Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Me, In Review

"I have learned so many things, 
especially from my children, just by listening to them."
Horseback riding BLORA, Texas 2003

continues to put things in perspective for me,
Slowing down & focusing what goes on in my own home
will do that to you :)
I also
ran across this article; 
 as I looked back through the years...
I have to admit...
I think I have forgotten how to have fun :(
with my kids...
When it was just Nicko-san and me,
we had lots of fun!
We stopped and looked at every flower and ponder the cosmos of the ants!
We raced each other and we did everything together...
I was his best friend,
and he was my best friend.

 At first he was very excited to have his sisters join him in the world.
After all More friends ~ means More fun right?

Well, pregnancy with Twins will do something to you

Especially when your doing it alone.
When your going through a divorce,
Christmas 2005
when people take advantage of your emotionally imbalance state.....
When the way of the Awesome job of being a police officer,
on top of everything else
is now extremely stressed out with two babies
and No Sleep....
You find that your life is so upside down
that only your real friends bother answering the phone.
Christmas 2007
A couple of bad choices later,
a couple something wonderfuls come into my life,
Sept 2010
Giving me another reason to leave the realm of insanity
and make better choices,
for a better future...

I think I'm still recovering
Sometimes it feels safer to ignore everything around me
(I know BAD Mommy!)
and escape to online games for hours
like World of Warcraft,
Facebook status updates,
Blog hops,
and for the last couple of years...
I was sooo tired,
I slept,
and sometimes 
I didn't wake.

Ridiculed, slandered, criticized,
Know-it-alls, and those who Knew-nothing
Everyone had an opinion about various situations,
believing they knew more about my life than I did,
wanting to be a "Mother" or "Father" figure in my life,
but outside of hurtful words,
no one offered help.
Or very few....

I once was berated outside of a Papa Murphy's chain,
for leaving my kids in the car.
I had left it running with the A/C (it was a hot day),
kept the line of sight and ran in and ran out with my pizzas.
On my way out A-Letter-of-the-Law kind of person ask me if those were my children,
accusing me of endangering their lives
(If that's the case then the longer you keep me from them...adds to it... doesn't it?)
I told him that it was safer and faster then trying to hold the hands of 4 small children 
back and forth from the store to the 2 parking spaces over.
I was polite despite him yelling at me.
Trying to hold myself together,
and ready to break at any minute...
At a pause, I asked him... "Well are You going to Help me?"
He stomped off to his truck, still yelling at me,
about what a horrible unfit mother I am.

He had no idea what I was going thru,
what my children were going through,
or the effort it took to borrow a car,
much less how much of a treat picking up a pizza was to us.

He judged us & thought he knew better.
He was more interested in us doing something his way...
that he was too busy to help us in a better way....
To Papa Murphy's credit... a couple of the employees came out and asked 
What had happened... and I told them,
in the view of my children...
Do you know what they said?
"Next time you need to pick up an order, Let us know you need the help,
call ahead and we will be Happy to help you 
~so you don't have to leave the vehicle."

(It was the kindest thing a stranger had said to me when I was rock bottom... 
and I don't know why, but since then pizza has always tasted better when it comes from
Papa Murphys.)

 But back to being at Rock Bottom, in a destitute kind of way,
You simply forget to have fun,
Your barely surviving, maybe even going crazy,
your stuck traveling the bus with 4 kids,
(which is an all day journey just to go the grocery store)
and you can only carry a backpack's worth of food back.
Most people are looking the other way.
The ones who do ask what they can do,
You don't know what to tell them...
so you tell them everything is ok.

I'll tell you ~ your more invested in feelings of embarrassment,
feeling alone and lost,
reliving the past and what-if's,
then you are about having fun.
Oct 2011
I use to run and chase my kids through the park,
then life changes and I found that I barely had the energy to
make it to the park ~ let alone just to sit and watch.

Because of my personal experiences I've learned to Not Judge
Any one or their situation. I still will tell you whats on my mind or my concerns,
but even if your a drugged up hooker, I'll still be your friend...
As long as your making the honest effort to be mine.
I always try to have an ear ready to listen to someone in Need.
But what do you do when your the one that Needs Help?
Its been the hardest thing in my life,
to ask for help.
SO what can I do when I realize...
I've made a terrible habit...

Don't get me wrong. My kiddos really do have fun,
God Knows that I Love them dearly,
but I know what I'm capable of, and I am capable of soo much more...
I know I am robing them of a fuller experience...
I feel it the moment I tell them to go to their room
to leave me alone
when I would rather do something with out them....
What I'm talking about here... is My Spirit of Fun...
My child like wonder & energy
and My ability to connect to My kids on that level.
It seems like I have no issues when interacting with anyone else's child,
but I can feel the fleeting moments with my own.

Thank Goodness for Homeschooling...
In a crazy sort of way it has brought us togehter,
Forced us to see more of each other, overcoming any day-to-day
numbness, and of course 
the constant reminder In-My-Face
that I do Love them otherwise I wouldn't do this to myself.
(after all it would be easier to send them to public school and fake a smile 
when they come home - telling them how much I missed them,
but wishing school was 2  hours longer so I can blank out longer)

Its also prob one of the things that attracted me to my Honey Bear,
his natural energy around children,
 running, playing, challenging them to be a bigger kid then him :)
I guess he reminds me of where I would like to be

And Last, but not Least, I Absolutely Love to Volunteer.
It helps me stay in touch with my humanity,
and forces me to reach beyond myself...
In fact, I feel most like my True self,
when I am in the Service of Others.

I still find some days... *gasp*... that I begrudge the existence
of  offspring who shriek... 
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
Scream! Scream! Scream!
Tattle tell ~Tattle tell ~Tattle tell 
and if you read my Christmas in 48 hours or Less post
then you already know about how I feel about children in my kitchen...

Even though our Joys outweigh those days...
I know I can do better!
My cousins and I
My New Year's Resolution # 2 
Have fun everyday!
Make a Mess with my kids More than I did this last year
Roll around and dog pile each other
Laugh unconditionally.

My New Year's Resolution #3
Each day in this New Year, I will take turns with each kid 
in the kitchen,
 around the house,
I will have special Days of Mommy & Me time.
I will spend more time watching my kids sleep,
I will have more time to be silly :)

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